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We have all had the experience. You are happily pummeling that neg terrier to death when along comes a lev on super the launches 3 bombs at you sending your ass into next month.

You cry out "VULCH!!" but to no avail as your assailant laughs in your face. Well here is the sure solution to this problem. Introducing the Notification for the Initiation of Conflict, or NIC.

An NIC is a written document stating that you are about to attack a player, the SubSpace equivalent to a Declaration of War. On it you must include your name, address, your exact latitude and longitude as told by a GPS locator, your age, your sex, marital status, number of kids you have, number of kids you are sure are yours, job, pay, favorite food and your opinion on who was the best James Bond. Anyone not choosing Sean Connery will automatically forfeit the upcoming battle, be banned for 1000 minutes and have a vangel come to their house and beat them upon the head with a large rubber chicken (it gives them something to do). This is the preliminary stuff.

Next you must tell us all your computer specifications, normal ping times to all VIE servers, what your average packetloss is, along with a log file of what they really are. Then you put down the names and IP's of all the ping hops you have to all VIE servers. You must also include your IP address. If you have multiple IP's then you must include them all.

Now it is time for the info on the players themselves. First, write down which ship you will be using, your usual strategies, your exact records in all zones for the last three resets and how good you think you are on a scale of 1 ego point to 10. Your next task is to name your opponent, his address, his email, ICQ, why you want to pick a fight with him/her and what you really think of him/her.

This document must now be signed by no less than three supreme court judges, five lawyers, your local butcher and, of course, you. The document must be sent using the mail system, as electronic means are far too easy to use and would defeat the purpose of this document. Once this document is sent and received by your potential opponent, you two must decide on a time and place in which this battle will take place. This is decided through another series of letters. We do know that it would be far easier to include this on the afore-mentioned NIC, but once again we wish to make this process as painful and annoying as possible.

The duel itself will take place inside one of Mr. Alpha's dueling circles (what a brilliant idea!). No bursts, they are lame. No repels, they are lame. No decoys, it is confusing, so therefore they are lame. No thors, they take no energy, so they are therefore lame. No rockets, you cannot hit them well enough, so they are lame. No portals, they are a cheap way out of a battle, and then therefore lame. No mines, no one likes lameass miners. No bombs, the shrapnel may hit you more than your opponent, and that makes them unfair and... lame. Bullets do random damage and we don't want anything random damage, so they are also lame. The duel will in fact be decided by who flies their ship in the most elegant and pretty patterns. Make sure you don't use backward thrust, you may make an indication of trying to run, and running is totally lame. Failure to comply with all the above laws and documents before attacking someone will then forever make you a lameass vulcher, lamer or total piece of crap, no matter how much better than your opponent you are. I firmly believe that if these new laws and protocols are introduced we could turn Chaos into a nice zone where people gracefully duel like the knights of the middle ages, even though most knights spent their time razing villagers and raping foreign women than actually doing something chivalrous.

Lev-lover until the day I die,
Dantos