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A free game to download, why not try it? A Subspace newbie is born. A manual, bah, real men don’t read manuals. I just go with the defaults, and before you know it I materialize in the Alpha zone in my WarBird. As I fumble around testing keys, a curious looking purple ship approaches flying the banner U.S.S. Neg Killer. Hmmm, is that a racial slur?

The purple ship circles and my finely honed fighting instincts tell me to start hitting keys. Before you know it, the purple ship is under attack by a wicked volley of three red bullets. Cool, he’s almost dead now. I push arrow keys and start floating out of control he purple ship follows, closing fast.

Holy Shit! What was THAT! A large, bright blue dot explodes in my face. Alright then, damn you, take 4,517 red bullets up your ASS! Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, maybe the fourth bullet, another blue burst destroys my ship. Sure, I hit him three times and he only hit me twice

THIS GAME CHEATS. Nice graphics though.

My ship reappears in an empty area. I decide upon a new strategy. Next time I will run. For a while, I float around bumping into things. I fly into a bunch of stationary blue balls (maybe they are grapes! Mmm) and my ship unceremoniously explodes. I quit and read the manual.

Armed with my now expert knowledge of the game, I reappear in Alpha Zone. Again, a purple ship lurks nearby. This time, I point my ship in the opposite direction and cruise away with great dignity and sweaty palms, watching for pursuit. There is none. I find a green thing. These things are good. I overrun it, circle, overrun, stop, putt-putt up to it and HOORAY I for the first time ever have more than zero points!

What luck, there is another green not far away. However, a person of no honor has laid a mine right next to it. Using my razor sharp analytical abilities, I calculate that the damage of one mine will not kill me. The mine blows, but I am still alive and I get the green. Instantly, there is a shimmering in the space behind me. A fat ugly green ship appears out of NOWHERE and blows me away. SHIT! I don’t care what the Help says, those Spiders are goddamn INVINCIBLE -- I gotta get me one of those. I read up on the Spider and rush back in with my spanking new green ship, ready to put the sneaky whoop ass on some poor sucker. Unfortunately, when I appear, the U.S.S. Neg Killer is waiting and blows me away. I decide I am going to sneak up on that bastard and kill him if it takes me all night.

I reappear, but have no idea where I am. I try my cloak – hey, it already works! Cloaked, with 998 energy points, I was ready to can that purple bastard. But where is he? I float around, and before I know it there are blue blips on my radar. I pursue, and once I can see them, I slip in behind. Heh, heh, two red ships, Terriers. Goodbye assholes. But then, as though they KNEW I was there somehow, they turned and pumped about 10,000 blue bullets into my ship, blowing me to smithereens. Now THAT was definitely cheating!

Before I call the president of VIE, I decide to check the Help file one last time. Oops, I forgot to turn on Stealth. And there is also X-Radar WELL THEN WHAT FUCKING GOOD IS A SPIDER!!! I decide to never fly that stupid worthless ship again. I am going to the Big Boy. Furious and ready to kill, I return in a deadly purple Leviathan.

What do I see, first thing? Yes, an idiot in a WarBird. They must know nothing about this game, using the default ship just like a newbie (snicker). I close and fire, disappointed to see that my bomb is only yellow and not blue. The WarBird ignores it as it flies by only an inch and a half away, and continues collecting greens. This guy is stupid. I correct my aim and shoot one dead on. The WarBird moves aside slightly and lets it pass, picking up another green. That shit makes me mad, so I fly in and go postal on his ass, firing everything I have YES!!! -- a direct hit with a yellow bomb! Then you know what happens? I swear to God Almighty that he kills me WITH ONE SHOT! A lousy cheater. Why even play a game if some hacker can rig his ship to kill you with one shot???

Wait a minute! He was typing something to me, the bastard. Probably gloating over his ill-gotten kill.

VETERAN > you lowered my average you stupid neg, try greening up before you attack next time

MEGADETH-LUCIFER-BADAS$> FUCK YOU, CHEATING PIECE OF SHIT, YOU ARE DEAD WHEN I CATCH YOU

Told his ass. Cool name I picked, huh?

VETERAN> what are you talking about, neg, I didn’t cheat

MEGADETH-LUCIFER-BADAS$> YOU KILLED ME WITH ONE SHOT YOU CHEATING FUCKHEAD

VETERAN> uh, maybe because your energy was zero from bombing and emptying your guns on me?

What? I decide to quit and read the Help again. Oh.

TO BE CONTINUED

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